What He Can Expect When She's Not Expecting

As the husband, I would like to share my thoughts, feelings, and experiences throughout our infertility roller-coaster ride to help the men grasp a better understanding and know that they are just as much a part of this.

Summer of 2008. My wife had just finished her undergrad degree and landed an excellent job with benefits. We had both felt that this was the time for our little family of two to grow. I was excited, nervous, and every emotion in between at the prospect of becoming a dad. A couple of months of trying eventually led to a positive pregnancy test but was soon dashed with a miscarriage. Our hope was held in the fact that we had become pregnant and it was possible for us.

Time marched on and hope began to dwindle. Still being poor college students kept our options limited, but I saw a poster regarding an infertility meeting being held for free on campus. Being new to the infertility circle, we did not know anything and had even less knowledge on where to start. The meeting gave us a renewed hope and a way to begin testing and treatments at a price we could afford.
 As with all infertility cases, diagnosing the issue is always one of the biggest challenges. Male sperm testing is one of the first tests performed to find the quality and count. Thus began the specimen cup phase of our story. I do not know of anything less romantic or more embarrassing then having to deposit a specimen into a cup for delivery to a lab or doctor. The feeling of embarrassment came from the thought of "everyone knows how the sample is collected" and how the process is typically frowned upon. Spousal support through this process is what helped to calm the nerves and relieve the feelings of guilt. This was the first of many collections required as the treatment options progressed. The best words of encouragement I can offer my fellow husbands and spouses are to be supportive and listen to each other through adjusting to the collection process. I will not give specific examples or ideas but each couple should find what works for them and be sure to stay away from pornography. The infertility process is tough on a marriage and attempting to use pornography at such a fragile moment can tear it further apart. The process should only be done between husband and wife.

After adjusting to the required process, we continued through medications and IUIs with no results through the remaining months at BYU. Each month seemed to bring a different gambit of emotions. In the early stages, there was frustration & anger with God. The thoughts of "why us" and "what did we do to deserve this" seemed to constantly creep into my mind. As time marched on, these feelings grew & festered leading to feelings of resentment. It was a struggle to continue to want to attend our Sunday meetings. I knew that the answer lied with Heavenly Father but it was hard to submit my will to Him. I knew I needed to overcome these feelings and rely on God but I was not sure the best course of action. I remembered the mantra of losing oneself in the service of God to find oneself and began to volunteer for all sorts of service opportunities within our ward. As I began to perform these acts of service, I began to feel happier and closer to Heavenly Father again. Drawing closer to our Father helps to overcome feelings of anger and resentment allowing us to feel peace and understanding again.

One of the last items I will share my thoughts and feelings about is keeping the romance alive between spouses. Often times during the procedures, we were under orders from the doctor to have sex every other day. Being directed to have intercourse is the opposite of spontaneous and romantic. It became a chore and a responsibility instead of a way to express love and bring husband and wife closer together. It not only made it difficult to want to have sex during other times of the month but also to have the desire to be not only physically, but emotionally intimate when we needed to most. We found that taking breaks from treatment after a couple attempts helped to keep the spontaneous spark alive. We also found opportunities to have a change of scenery were helpful whether it was a quick trip or simply in a different spot than the usual bedroom location. It helped to distract us from the routine and calendars associated with treatments.

Listening, supporting, and distracting are the most important aspects when charging through infertility. There were times where I did not understand exactly how my wife was feeling and the only way to find out was to talk it through. I always made every attempt to be there for every procedure, to stand by Shannon's side and hold her hand. Finally there were times that we need to be distracted by what we were currently going through. We would find lot of things to do, especially ones that we would not be able to do while pregnant. One time we took a trip to Knott's Berry Farm after another failed IUI just to go on the roller-coasters. We went with the idea of "if our life is going to be an emotional roller-coaster, we should go ride real ones." It helped us to be distracted by the weeks' events and have fun at the same time.

I hope this gives a little perspective from the man's side of the infertility process. It has not been an easy one but hopefully this provides some support & answers for those other couples who are struggling with this silent disease.