First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage...Where's The Baby Carriage?

Infertility has been described as a "silent disease," affecting thousands of couples every year. Those who suffer from it hide away in a dark shadow of despair. Like many diagnosed with an aliment, the flames of hurt and fear consume them only to be fanned by endless questions and overwhelming doubt, especially to members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS). No one who has it wants to talk about for fear of being judged or being reminded of "failing" at something that is supposed to be "natural." And loved ones of infertile couples do not want to discuss it because it could be awkward or for fear of being insensitive, offensive or just because they have nothing to say. My husband and I are very pleased to be sharing our story to help bring about awareness of infertility to others, especially to those of the LDS faith, so they can find joy, comfort, and hopefully, laughter in their own lives or with loved ones. We share our story so those who are hurting can find what they are looking for and find comfort that we know EXACTLY how you feel.

Ever since I can remember, I have always wanted to be a mother. Experiencing the joys of motherhood and having a child of my own with a husband that I love was one of the greatest things I ever thought to accomplish. My husband and I were married six and a half years ago and each had a strong desire to rear children. We were a little unsure when we were to start building a family. Our lives were an open book. After we reached two years of marriage, we had received a prompting it was time to start. Nervous but excited, we dove into what later would become one of the greatest trials we have each had to face.

Three months later I was in the emergency room for abdominal pain. All my tests came back negative except one. We were pregnant. Six weeks and counting. Amazing! Like clockwork, the start of our little family had begun. Two weeks later, however, at a follow-up visit with my doctor we were told otherwise. The most feared word in pregnancy was now breaking down our front door. Miscarriage…. The miracle that began just a few weeks ago was now gone. We were in anguish. Why? What had gone wrong? Like most women, I started questioning what I had done to cause this, going over everything in my mind, hoping I could find a reason. With my body being on an emotional roller coaster, I slowly slipped into depression. All I wanted was a child and now it seemed my opportunity had been pulled apart at the seams.

Eight long months past and we still could not become pregnant. I cannot tell you how much money we spent on home pregnancy tests. We had approached a year of trying for a baby, which we later learned was a normal time range for couples when it came for trying for a baby. Hard to believe it takes that long when you hear of teenagers having one "mistake" and getting pregnant or by those who learn the hard way that condoms are only 97% effective. We reluctantly turned to medical professionals, because that was the only place we knew where to start. Throughout the first few weeks of diagnostic testing and primitive treatment, I became very angry with God. What was I doing wrong? What did I do to deserve this? In my mind I had done everything right. I lived worthy to marry in the temple, I married a man who honors his priesthood, we were obeying the commandment to “multiply and replenish the earth,” and still we had no answers, no children. Everything around us seemed to remind us of the pain of loss. Provo, UT was not the greatest place to be when you miscarry (I am sure anywhere is not the best place to be). It seemed like around every corner somebody was pregnant. At church, the grocery store, friends and family, and even my work had several pregnant bellies. At home, with my sweet husband, I could not help but feel guilty that it was all my fault, I was the reason we were childless.

As the summer months past, we decided to stop trying, take a break and have some much needed self reflection. We tried to make sense of why we had been subjected to what felt like agony. The hardest thing to accept about why we were experiencing such difficulty was coming to the realization we had no control, at all. Like most women, this was extremely difficult. It did not matter how many calendars I followed, fertility "diets" I ate, or fertility prediction tests I used. It was going to be according to the Lord’s will and the harder I pushed for it to be mine, the more angry I became that I couldn’t make it so. My husband gave me some direct, but encouraging words; that this was just how it was going to be for us, and I could either accept that or not. He was right. Once I had accepted the Lord's will and chose it to be my own, I felt better. Medical intervention was just how it was going to be for us to be able to get pregnant and I should have considered ourselves lucky that it was still an option to have a biological child. 

This blog is dedicated to not only helping with the emotional state of infertile couples, but to help them understand and maintain a better grasp of the anatomy and physiology behind infertility through gospel-centered design and research and to give counsel to couples, family members, and friends. Not only have I experienced infertility, but by studying Marriage, Family, and Human Development at Brigham Young University (BYU), Pre-Nursing at Utah Valley University, and working for one of the top-rated IVF clinics in North America, it has given me an immense understanding of the human mind & body. Our goal is to be a gospel resource for understanding infertility, it's treatment options, and answering the tough questions; to be a beacon for those who feel lost.